Snapshots of MyungBean

Random Thought

In my earlier years, I used to be pretty opinionated, outspoken, and uncensored (aka. honest) and frequently post entries about my ideas/thoughts/likes/dislikes that would bring about good discussion and debate. I was such a free and fearless thinker. But now, these entries are few and far between… instead, they have been replaced with ‘appropriate’ entries that are non-controversial and/nor thought provoking but just… safe. What happened? Maybe it’s a fruit of maturity? Maybe a fear of man? Maybe these posts have gotten me in too much trouble? Maybe I’ve just been too busy and tired to think? Maybe it’s bc my pre-frontal cortex has now completely developed? (Research shows that the pre-frontal cortex of your brain, responsible for “correct behavior in social situations” isn’t completely developed until age 25.) So what’s the deal?

As a disclaimer, these appropriate posts are not in themselves bad, (especially in a medium that is so public like blogs/fb where everything is immortal once you press submit/post), but I wonder if it stunts my growth as a thinking and rationalizing human being. While it apparently didn’t stop me before, now, I keep these personal epiphanies to myself. But because I haven’t been writing these thoughts out, these personal revelations have popped up less and as a result, I’ve become more of a thoughtless drone. I know what you may think, “You can just privately post!” Yes, that’s true, but it’s just not the same. To be honest, I don’t put in the same effort if written solely for myself to read. I don’t know why. I put in a lot of effort in forming the right words/phrases when I put it up for the public to read. But back to my original question: what happened?

I’m sure it’s a mix of a lot of things but it’s most likely bc of a fear of man. As much as I hate to admit it, I care a lot about what/how people think of me. Moreso those I don’t even really personally care about. I don’t care about what the people I care about think because I know they’ll love me regardless and vice versa. But the person who don’t even give a rat’s booty about me, I care greatly about. Why? I don’t know. I wonder if there’s a way to change that. I know the answer. You just post it (as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else’s character) and you just walk away. Those who care will talk to you about it and those who don’t wouldn’t have read it anyway. :D Anyway, I don’t know where I was going with this. Back to work.

Words of Wisdom

God knows best what is needful for us, and all that He does is for our good. If we knew how much He loves us, we would always be ready to receive equally and with indifference from His hand the sweet and the bitter. All would please us that came from Him. Distressful afflictions never appear intolerable, except when we see them in the wrong light.

When we see them as dispensed by the hand of God, when we know that it is our loving Father who humbles us and distresses us, our sufferings will lose their bitterness even become matters of consolation.

Let all our occupation be to know God. The more we know him, the more we desire to know Him. Since knowledge is commonly the measure of love, the deeper and more extensive our knowledge is, the greater will be our love. if our love of God were great, we would love Him equally in pains and pleasures.

Let us not content ourselves with loving God for the mere sensible favors that He has done or may do for us, no matter how elevated they are. Such favors, though ever so great, cannot bring us as near to him as faith does in one simple act. Let us seek Him often by faith. he is within us—do not seek Him elsewhere. 

The practice of the presence of God is of very great service in helping us to pray in truth.  It restrains the mind from wandering throughout the day and holds it fixed steadfastly on God.    How can we be with Him unless our thoughts are ever of Him?  How can He be in our thoughts unless we form a holy habit of abiding in His presence, there asking for the grace we need each moment of our life?  

Our sanctification does not depend upon changing our works, but in doing for God’s sake what we normally do for our own.

The greatest glory we can give to God is to distrust our own strength utterly, and to commit ourselves wholly to His safekeeping.

-Brother Lawrence

Yum.

“The beauty of the star smote his heart and like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end, the shadow was only a small and passing thing. There was light in high beauty forever beyond its reach. Now for a moment his only fate and even his masters cease to trouble him and he fell into a deep, untroubled sleep.”

This is gospel rest.

 Tim Keller (quoting LOTR)

Talent is Nothing Without Focus and Endurance

I think this is applicable not only for novelists but for anyone who wants to be good at what they do:

In every interview I’m asked what’s the most important quality a novelist has to have. It’s pretty obvious: talent. Now matter how much enthusiasm and effort you put into writing, if you totally lack literary talent you can forget about being a novelist. This is more of a prerequisite than a necessary quality. If you don’t have any fuel, even the best car won’t run.

The problem with talent, though, is that in most cases the person involved can’t control its amount or quality. You might find the amount isn’t enough and you want to increase it, or you might try to be frugal and make it last longer, but in neither case do things work out that easily. Talent has a mind of its own and wells up when it wants to, and once it dries up, that’s it. Of course, certain poets and rock singers whose genius went out in a blaze of glory—people like Schubert and Mozart, whose dramatic early deaths turned them into legends—have a certain appeal, but for the vast majority of us this isn’t the model we follow.

If I’m asked what the next most important quality is for a novelist, that’s easy too: focus—the ability to concentrate all your limited talents on whatever’s critical at the moment. Without that you can’t accomplish anything of value, while, if you can focus effectively, you’ll be able to compensate for an erratic talent or even a shortage of it. I generally concentrate on work for three or four hours every morning. I sit at my desk and focus totally on what I’m writing. I don’t see anything else, I don’t think about anything else.
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After focus, the next most important thing for a novelist is, hands down, endurance. If you concentrate on writing three or four hours a day and feel tired after a week of this, you’re not going to be able to write a long work. What’s needed of the writer of fiction—at least one who hopes to write a novel—is the energy to focus every day for half a year, or a year, or two years.
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Fortunately, these two disciplines—focus and endurance—are different from talent, since they can be acquired and sharpened through training. You’ll naturally learn both concentration and endurance when you sit down every day at your desk and train yourself to focus on one point. This is a lot like the training of muscles I wrote of a moment ago. You have to continually transmit the object of your focus to your entire body, and make sure it thoroughly assimilates the information necessary for you to write every single day and concentrate on the work at hand. And gradually you’ll expand the limits of what you’re able to do. Almost imperceptibly you’ll make the bar rise. This involves the same process as jogging every day to strengthen your muscles and develop a runner’s physique. Add a stimulus and keep it up. And repeat. Patience is a must in this process, but I guarantee results will come.

In private correspondence the great mystery writer Raymond Chandler once confessed that even if he didn’t write anything, he made sure he sat down at his desk every single day and concentrated. I understand the purpose behind his doing this. This is the way Chandler gave himself the physical stamina a professional writer needs, quietly strengthening his willpower. This sort of daily training was indispensable to him.
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Most of what I know about writing I’ve learned through running every day. These are practical, physical lessons. How much can I push myself? How much rest is appropriate—and how much is too much? How far can I take something and still keep it decent and consistent? When does it become narrow-minded and inflexible? How much should I be aware of the world outside, and how much should I focus on my inner world? To what extent should I be confident in my abilities, and when should I start doubting myself? I know that if I hadn’t become a long-distance runner when I became a novelist, my work would have been vastly different. How different? Hard to say. But something would definitely have been different.

Excerpt from Haruki Murakami’s memoir, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

Why I Love Running

People think marathon runners are borderline crazy. I have to somewhat agree. Who else runs frequently by choice, pays to run 26+ miles to struggle to walk straight afterward, only to get up and do it again the next day? Only crazy people.

But even though they may be borderline crazy, I really admire legit long distance runners and strive to be like them one day. Not because of their athletic prowess, but because of their mental tenacity and focus. A person has to be mentally tough to be a long distance runner. When he is running against the elements for a long period of time and his physical body is starting to wear down, he’s only left with his mental strength to pull him through to the end. It’s not even about how physically fit you are anymore but how mentally strong you are.

Being mentally strong is a valuable trait to have not only for running a race but for running life’s race. When you’re hit with life’s “elements”, your won’t-give-up mental tenacity is what will help get you through to the end. And it’s through these times we see how tough we really are. Up to running my first marathon, I didn’t know if I could finish it but while running mile 24 and 25, I was surprised to see how much more stronger I was than I had initially perceived. I wouldn’t allow myself to give up and I kept pushing, putting one foot in front of the other, until I finally reached the finish line.

As I stood at the finish line, I couldn’t help but cry because I couldn’t believe what just happened. I ran 26.2 miles and completed a marathon because I wouldn’t allow myself to give up. It spoke volumes to me and gave me the confidence and strength to tackle other challenges that would come my way.

I think that’s why I’ve grown to love running. It’s helped me to be more mentally tenacious and to never give up.  Running is always challenging and I know that I can and will never get “too good.” I can always run faster or longer and always feel like I’m getting a lot out of it. That strength to tackle challenges also infectiously seeps into other areas of my life as well. You realize that you can do mostly anything you set your mind to do. That won’t-give-up tenacity and drive will help you get there.

Another reason why I love running is because it teaches me about the importance of execution. Not all runs are created equal. Some runs will be rougher than others but the important thing is to finish strong. I am an expert starter but a terrible, terrible finisher (in every aspect of my life). One way I’ve been trying to get better at that through running is to always try to sprint the last part of my run. No matter how horribly I ran, I will always sprint the very end of the run. Even if I’m “sprinting” slower than a turtle because I’m in pain, I will push myself at the very end. Someone once told me that “If the end is good, everything is good” and I think it’s true. My philosophy is that no matter how bad I do during my run, if I finish strong, I will still feel like I gave it my all. But on the flip side, even if I ran well for the majority but ended walking the very end, I would feel like the whole run was worthless. Victories are not based on how I start them but how I end them.

The last and most important reason why I love running is that it helps me see beauty in the simple things. We take a lot of things for granted on a daily basis, like our innate ability to breathe. But when you’re huffing and puffing after a long run, breathing in as much oxygen as you could, you don’t realize how crucial oxygen is until you’re begging for more of it. Or how precious water is until after you take that first big gulp. The most simple things are the most precious and it’s good to always have a thankful heart and be reminded of what really matters in life.

Running is definitely not easy and every run is not a good run but I think that’s why I love it. It reminds me of life. Life is not easy but it’s about how you pick yourself up and keep at it. Nothing worth doing is easy but when you overcome that difficult task, you realize that it was worth it and that you can handle a lot more than you think. Someone once challenged me to always “do hard things.” That is very big challenge but I plan on trying because I find that the more “hard things” I do, the more I love life and enjoy everything it has to offer. :) Life is too short to live comfortably. Enjoy it by doing hard things. :)

In One Ear, Out the Other

I used to dwell on words spoken by others.

Whether good or bad, if impactful, they would linger in my mind for the whole day, sometimes for days. If they were compliments, they would replay in my mind as my heart would begin to swell with pride. I would walk around grinning from ear to ear, thinking how awesome I was.

On the other hand, if they were criticisms, they would also dwell in my mind for days as I would hit the other extreme and think how utterly useless I was as a person. It was an ongoing battle between me, myself, and I.

I finally realized why people’s words would affect so greatly; it was because my happiness was contingent on them. If they had a good view of me, I was happy. If they had a negative view of me, I was sad. I wanted to be perfect and have people to always have a good view of me. It was a tiring existence. I realized that I was too concerned about the fleeting thoughts of others rather than the eternal thoughts of God.

People are fickle. They will love you one second and hate you the next. I can list a laundry list of people who were once loved and now hated and vice versa. People and circumstances change everyday and the only constant thing is change itself.

It is impossible to always have the approval of others and I had to be okay with that. I didn’t stop caring about the people but I started to take their words lightly and rather than dealing with it myself, I would give it up to the Lord to handle. I also think it’s a mixture of getting older and my growing trust and faith in God but I’ve learned to stop caring and not take myself so seriously.

Since I’ve had my fair share of compliments and criticisms (a lot from myself), I’ve learned to deal with people’s opinions in a way that keeps me focused on God and not myself.

Person 1: “Christine, you’re so good at _____. / You are so (insert something positive.)”

Me: “Thanks!” (in my heart- “Lord, thank you so much for your gifts and allowing me to love others with these gifts. These gifts are from you and I hope to be a good steward of them.” Move on and don’t think about it again.

Person 2: “Christine, you really suck at ______. / You are so (insert someone negative.)”

Me: “Thanks for your feedback/thoughts. I will do my best to be better/try to change.” (in my heart- “Lord, thank you for using these situations to remind me that I am not self-sufficient and am completely reliant on You for strength. Please give me the knowledge and wisdom to deal with this accordingly. I give it all up to you.” Move on and get better.

At the end of the day, nobody’s opinions other than the Lord’s matter and it’s ALL over scripture how much he loves me and cares for me. Being in God’s word and praying helps me remember who I am, who God is, what God did, and who I am as a result of what He did. With that perspective, other’s opinions don’t seem to affect me as much anymore.

My One Cent

Wow… I haven’t watched this much basketball since I was in elem/jh/hs. I definitely have been bitten by the linsanity bug. I am lin love. (Sorry.) I admit that I am a jlin bandwagoner but I am not a basketball noob. I think I have some bball street cred since I watched a lot of it growing up. Basketball gets me really nostalgic and emotional. I used to be obsessed with basketball and watch my favorite team (Orlando Magic) play every chance I could get. I also used to religiously watch NBA Access with Ahmad Rashad (remember that show?) every Sat. morning and watch highlights of my favorite basketball player, Penny Hardaway. I wanted to marry him. I would tear up and go crazy whenever he would make a good play or make an near impossible shot from under the rim. Also, I would like to believe that I was somewhat responsible for getting my brother into basketball. I would go to his games in junior high and tear up whenever I saw him make a basket, assist, or get a steal. He loved Penny too. My brother used to have these Penny Hardaway shoes and I stole them for a day so I could wear them to school (yeah, I was a bit of a tomboy growing up… :\). My brother was a shoehead even as a kid and he found out just from me wearing it for one day and he didn’t talk to me for a week. Oops. :D Anyhoo, the point of this post is that I saw this recently and it reminded me of my sweet youth. Such good memories. :)

Cry Baby

I rarely cry. I think I rationalize everything in my head too much before my heart even gets a chance to shed a tear. Tears make me feel really vulnerable and I hate it. But there are a few things that will make me breakdown and bawl like a baby:

1. When I feel hopeless and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change a situation.

2. A really good underdog story with a lot of heart.

3. Really good music, especially good instrumentals.

4. Communion with God.

Today was just a weepy day for me. I teared up during the prayer time after the convicting sermon (Refer to reason 1 and 4) with the assistance of K’s lovely piano playing (Refer to reason 3). Then I came home and I watched highlights from the nyk/dallas mavs game and I cried again. (Refer to reason 2). Then I watched the recent Kpop star ep. and then cried like a baby again. (Refer to reason 2 and 3.) I know what you’re going to say… “whaaaaaat?!?! Kpop star made you cry?” all I can say is… you need to watch it. I will be there to hand you a tissue. Sorry for the sad post. It was a sad day. (except for the nyk/dallas mav game. those were happy tears. :))

Dan’s the Man

PJ is going over the book of Daniel for Midweek Bible study and I have to say that Daniel is my favorite guy from the Bible. A lot of people’s favorite Bible characters are Paul or David but I like Daniel the best. If my brother’s name wasn’t Daniel, I think I would’ve named my son Daniel… Anyway, I digress…

Here are the reasons why he’s my favorite:

I like him because he is a…

1.) Man of prayer- Being part of the king’s counsel was probably a really time-consuming and tiring job, but yet he put time with the Lord as his highest priority and prayed 3 (THREE!) times a day before the Father, giving thanks and praise to Him. There is nothing more powerful than a man/woman who prays and you could see all throughout the book of Daniel how God was able to use him soooo mightily because of that. This also shows that he’s…

2.) Humble- Daniel was handpicked by the king for being smart, good looking, and pretty much perfect in every way (Daniel 1:4). Most people who are at the caliber of Daniel would think that they can do perfectly fine without God. But Daniel didn’t; he was completely dependent on God. Only humble and helpless people pray that consistently and Daniel was one of them. He also knew that all of his gifts were a gift from God. He never failed to give glory where it was rightfully due (Daniel 2:20). Even though he was super smart and good looking, not only was he humble but he was also..

3.) Respectful- Forgive me for making generalizations but a lot of really smart people I meet are really sarcastic or biting with their words. I also see that trait in a lot of really good looking people I meet too. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that they feel that they can get away with it or they’re entitled to that kind of behavior just because they’re smart/good looking. But Daniel was different, he was respectful and kind. When he addressed the commander about not eating the king’s choice food and replacing with something else, he was respectful. He “sought permission” (Daniel 1:8) and “requested” (Daniel 1:16) things even in his high rank. And he also said “please” (ahah) (Daniel 1:12). He did not force the commander to do as he wanted but respectfully requested things. I think that speaks a lot about him. He was not only kind with his words but he was also…

4.) Tactful- Daniel spoke with “discretion and discernment” (Daniel 2:14). Usually a very tactful person is wise. He/she knows how powerful words are and uses them appropriately for each situation. (Reminds me of: Proverbs 10:20, 10:31, 12:18, etc.) Because he was so tactful with his words, he was

5.) Well-liked- He found favor in the sight of the commander of the officials (Daniel 1:9). He was also really liked by King Darius. When King Darius was tricked into putting Daniel into the lion’s den, he was “deeply distressed” and “set his mind of delivering Daniel” and even “kept exerting himself to rescue him until sunset.” (Daniel 6:14) Even though he was well-liked, he was not a people pleaser and was a man of…

6.) Conviction- There are many instances where you can see Daniel’s strong conviction for things and how he would stick to his guns and never waver. When the court was given the king’s choice food, Daniel “made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king’s choice food or with the wine which he drank.” (Daniel 1:8) He knew what he thought was right and strongly held to his beliefs. When a document was signed prohibiting prayer, instead of praying in secret, he “continued kneeling on his knees… as he had been doing previously”, facing his window. Even though the circumstances around him changed, his convictions didn’t. I think the way he was had a lot to do with the fact that he had…

7.) Good friends- In 1 Corinthians 15:33, it says that “bad company corrupts good morals” and I think that’s so true. The people who you choose to be your friend can really make or break you as a person. Daniel had great friends. They were men of conviction as well and refused to bow down to the statue placed by King Nebs even though their lives were at risk.

Daniel is a great example of a person who found favor before God and men. I know very well that nobody but God is perfect but I think it’s inspiring to see people from the Bible who were still very much human but did not make that an excuse to live lazily. Daniel was excellent in everything he did but he was humble. He was fully dependent on the Lord for strength and did his best to bring God glory in everything he did. He definitely lived out Colossians 3:23 and I hope to be like that too. :)

I wanted to make an even 10 points but… I’m can’t think of anymore. Haha. PJ hasn’t gone over the whole book yet so maybe I will add more later. For now, I’m okay with 7.

Thanks for reading! :)

Love,

Christine

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